This blog post is going to hit a little different to normal and that is because I want to feed off my previous experiences and talk to you guys about abusive relationships. Before I met my current, wonderful husband, I was in a very toxic and abusive relationship for the best part of three years. At the time, I had no idea what was happening and that it would be deemed as abusive and when people mentioned that things were not right, I would be dismissive and oblivious to what was actually happening right in front of me. The reason why I am writing this blog post is because it can be so hard to know the signs and understand that is happening, if I can just help one person out, that will be more than I could ever dream of.
I think that to start out, I should begin by mentioning a little about my previous relationship. We got together when we were incredibly young and still as school age. We grew up together and we were infatuated with each other. Because of this, we both became distant from our friendship groups, but we didn’t care because we had each other and at the time we thought that we would be together, and we only really needed each other. Looking back, everything that he did which was controlling and abusive, at the time I saw it as a declaration of love. He tracked my phone not because he wanted to spy on me. But because he wanted to know if I was safe.
He read my messages not to monitor me, but to take an interest in my life and my friendships. When picking me up from college, he would stand by his car. He wanted people to see that I had a boyfriend.
The turning point for me was when I started working at my dads’ company. Obviously, my dad knew him and they got on incredibly well. Something that my dad still kicks himself about to this very day. My dad used to see him for an hour or two every couple of weeks. He really did see the best parts of him. When I was sat in the office at my dad’s work. My phone would buzz constantly and the other woman in the office started to notice. They were asking who was on my back all of the time. When I said that it was my boyfriend, I could see their eyebrows raise up. It wasn’t until I was sat with them one day and my phone was on my desk in between us both that she saw just how incessant he was. She pulled me aside.
We went out for lunch later than that week and my friend Rachel was absolutely amazing. She could see what was happening and I was an arse with her. She kindly asked me about our relationship, and I told her the whole romantic love story. All the while my phone was going berserk in the middle of the table. She reached out to grab my phone and I didn’t stop her, so she turned over the phone and saw the barrage of abuse that I was getting from him. He saw that I was in the pub. I didn’t let him know about my plans. He was livid. He made it known in every single message that he was sending me.
Rachels face was horrified.
Moments later, he turned up. Stood in the doorway of the pub, just glaring at me. He literally ran out of his job and bolted to where I was. You could see the rage on his face. He approached me and honestly looked like he was going to hit me. That is when Rachel stepped in between us. She quickly shouted to a waitress that if he didn’t leave we needed the police. I tried to talk her down and get to him. She forced me to my seat and I sat there feeling so torn. Between a man who was my entire world that I was infatuated with and so in love, and a woman that was telling me I was in an abusive relationship. I didn’t know where to turn.
A couple of intense moments later, he left the building and Rachel slumped down in the seat next to me and I just sobbed. We ran out, got in the car and I broke down. She was telling me all about emotional abuse, mental abuse, isolating people from their friends and gaslighting. Every single thing that she was saying hit home. I couldn’t believe that this had happened to me and I had no idea. I didn’t even mention the occasions that he raised his hands to me. By this stage, I was living with him and I didn’t know what to do next. She saw the look on my face. Took me by the hand. Walked me back into work and made all of the men that I worked with escort me home. They then helped me pack and get out of the house before he got home.
I don’t want to make it seem like from the moment I got out of the same house with him. That everything just went away and everything was all roses. I still adored him and that killed me, it was just all so sudden. Plus, he was constantly trying to get in contact with me and apologies. And the sucker that I was at the time, I lapped it up. I wanted him back desperately. It was an incredibly hard time for me, but with the support of my friends and family. I got through it.
When you are in the moment, you may not know what is happening to you. If something doesn’t seem right, do some research, reach out to people and talk it out. I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid and you have the right to be happy. I don’t want this to come across like I am an expert in this area. Because I certainly am not. I just wish that I wasn’t in a bad situation for so long and I want better for other people.